


Shiro's Space Journal

by Meli_writes



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Black Paladin - Freeform, Dear Allura, Feelings, Hunk stay away, Hurt Shiro (Voltron), Memories, Multi, Nightmares, Pain, Shiro writes, Shiro's Space Journal, injuries, klance, leaders of voltron, shallura - Freeform, survivor's guilt, writing helps, writing to allura definitely helps
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-01-05 18:30:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12195318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meli_writes/pseuds/Meli_writes
Summary: Shiro keeps a journal. He writes about his worries, his past, and his feelings. *squeal*Let's be snoopy and read his journal!





	1. Entry 1

Date: Don’t know

Dear Allura,

I don’t really know why I’m doing this. Pidge thinks I should write in a journal to “deal” with my “shit.” Do you even know what “shit” means? I should ask you IRL.

Any way, I figured writing to you would make this easier than just writing to myself. ~~This is so dumb. God, I hope you never read this.~~

I’m not really sure what to write about in here. I’m worried about writing down any concerns I have with the team because I don’t want this journal to be found by the team or even worse an enemy. But, I’m not ready to talk about all this stuff. So, writing it is.

I guess, I could tell you about my nightmares. Or I can tell you about the memories that come back to me in flashes. I really am fucked up, Allura. I don’t know why you and the lion chose me to be the black paladin. 

I have nightmares of freezing in the middle of a fight and my team suffers as a result. I don’t want them to get hurt because I fucked up, Allura. I don’t think I could ever forgive myself. ~~Nope, I’m not going there.~~

I have other nightmares (that I suspect are actually memories) about my arm being ripped off during a fight in the pit. Sometimes the dream is just ~~the feeling~~ the pain of having my arm ripped off. The pain… There is no way to describe it, Allura. I almost always wake up with a scream. Are these walls sound proof? No one ever tells me they heard me screaming the morning after. I’ll find a way to ask you about that as well.

Other times, I dream about the entire fight. I feel every blow and every cut. After the whole thing with my arm I get hit in the face and my vision becomes blurry with tears. Everything fades to black and I wake up here in the castle. I still can’t believe I managed to escape back to Earth. Also, I’ll admit that I regret involving the other paladins in this war. They are SO YOUNG. They never finished their studies like I did. They were never sent on missions like I was before I was captured. Too young and too inexperienced. But they are making progress and we have become a great team. 

We’ll do everything we can to protect the universe from Zarkon’s rule. Zarkon won’t destroy any other planets or races of people. We ~~can’t~~ won’t let him. Thank you for believing in us, Allura. “Defenders of The Universe” really is an awesome title. 

~~Best regards,~~

~~Warm regard,~~

~~Fuck!~~

Yours,

Shiro

~~P.S. The yours thing…NVM. God, please don’t let anyone find this.~~


	2. Entry 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro remembers why he attacked Matt when they were both prisoners. Now, he just has to figure out how to explain what happened to Pidge.

Date: Does this even matter? I’m in fucking space. -__-

Dear Allura,

You may know this already, IDK, but Pidge is a girl. But she’s not just any girl. She’s Matt Holt’s sister. And now she hates me. I should probably be talking to her RN and not you but, I need to practice what I’m going to say. 

So, Matt and I go way back. Like Pidge, he's incredibly smart. In school his focus was always on his studies ~~and girls~~ while mine were ~~on girls too, I’m not going to lie to you~~ on my combat training because I came from a military background. I always wanted to be a pilot ~~Shiro, the Space Explorer! The master pilot!~~ so, I focused my studies and training on becoming a pilot for inter-planetary travel.

When we were taken by the Galra they forced some of us to fight in their Gladiator’s ring. Matt was scared. We all were. I’m sure he would have figured out a way to beat them but it was **my job** to protect the Holts. See, I’m a pilot with combat experience and I was assigned to the Kerberos mission to insure their safe return home. I completely failed the return home part but I hope I helped with the safe part. 

I…I attacked Matt while we waited to fight in the ring. I made myself look like ~~a monster~~ I was blood thirsty. Pidge found out about the attack. SHE thinks I’m a monster. And maybe I am, Allura. My memories from my time in the ring come back to me in flashes and I can’t believe I fought the way I did. But I was only given two choices, Allura. Fight or die.

Sometimes, I hoped for death because I wanted the nightmare to end. I’m ashamed of that. ~~Ugh, I hate writing this RN!~~ Death wasn’t an option though. I knew that. If I died someone else would have had to fight in my place and I didn’t want someone else to suffer because I failed, **again.**

Do you think ~~Katie~~ Pidge would understand? 

I only wanted Matt to go to the camps with his dad. To keep them together and **away** from the ring. They wouldn’t be completely safe at the camp, but at least they would be together. That’s better right?

Ok, I’m going to go talk to Pidge. I think I'll leave out the whole obsessed with girls and death thing and get straight to the I did it to try to keep him with their dad part. Sound good? I think so. Wish me luck, Allura.

Yours,

Shiro

P.S. I talked to Pidge. We’re good. She asked about this journal. I denied everything. Don’t betray me, journal Allura.


	3. Entry 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tonight, Shiro had a bunch of fun with the team and especially with Allura. He writes about it because you have to remember the good times to get through the bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, I swear I'm obsessed with Shallura!  
> Have some singing and dancing, Voltron style!  
> Hope you like it!! Make me a happy girl, and leave me a comment! <3

Date: The day we danced.

Dear Allura,

LOL! Tonight was probably the most fun I’ve had since I left Earth.

Lance has been walking around singing “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” for the last two days. Everyone thinks he’s just trying to be annoying but I know better. ~~I caught Lance making out with Keith in the training room! BAHAHA!~~

Anyway, Lance has been singing that song day in and day out and he got it stuck in all of our heads. Even you and Coran learned the words.

BTW, did you know Coran has been trying to teach the mice to sing along? SMH, it’s strange to see but at least he’s done trying to teach them to make him a sandwich, right?

Back to tonight, after dinner we were all in the kitchen cleaning while Lance was singing, as usual. One by one everyone started to join in. I tried to fight it ~~because what are we? in a musical?~~ but then you started singing along. You’re voice is ~~amazing~~ stunning. When you got to the high pitched parts we all stopped and stared at you for a few moments. ~~Would you sing for me if I asked you?~~ I wasn’t expecting to hear you sound that way. Coran stood behind you with pride in his eyes, did he teach you to sing? ~~I think my heart melted a bit when you sang. WTF why did I write that?~~

Of course, Lance ended the surprised silence with a loud, “Woo!” He kept on singing and started dancing. Coran was doing the moon walk. ~~Why did we teach him that? Also, why does he do it better than the rest of us?~~ Hunk and Pidge were linked arm in arm, spinning. Keith was trying to brood in the corner while watching Lance do a two step. He tried to hide his smile but it was pointless. ~~Those two are going to be trouble. I can feel it.~~

You were laughing and singing. Your hair swayed behind you ~~drawing my attention to your hips~~ and your eyes glittered like the oceans on Earth. You reached out for my hand and pulled me into a dance while you sang, “I wanna kiss you, every minute, every hour, every day.” You have no idea what you did to me when you danced in my arms and sang those words, Allura. ~~Just pin me to a wall and kill me. But kiss me before you do so that I can die a happy man.~~ ~~I’m so screwed when it comes to you.~~

I surprised you with a dip and was rewarded with your brilliant smile. When I brought you back up your arms were around my neck and you threw your head back in laughter. I had a sudden urge to kiss you and I started to lean forward to do just that but, instead, ~~like a fucking pussy~~ I hugged you close for a moment before I twirled you. I’m sure you noticed my face go red but you didn’t say anything about it. ~~Thank the fucking stars.~~

We have to treasure nights like these, Allura. We spend too many nights exhausted from battle. Where we're filled with anger, fear, concern, anxiousness, and all the other bad feelings there are in our lives. We need to take some time every now and then to remember what it’s like to have fun. To laugh. To be happy. To love. ~~FML.~~ It’ll make us stronger, I think. Tonight we bonded. All of us. I think it’ll show during our next battle. We’ll defeat Zarkon, Allura. I know we will.

~~I still can’t believe I danced with you. I should have kissed you.~~

~~I will fucking die of embarrassment if you ever find this. If anyone finds this.~~

Yours,

Shiro

P.S. Two of your mice have been coming to sleep on my pillow lately. What’s that about? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you wanna listen to the acoustic cover of that song? It's "I Believe In a Thing Called Love" by Branches. It’s what I was listening to on repeat while I wrote this! I hope you liked it!


	4. Entry 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place right after S1 Ep. 10.  
> Allura's sacrifice weighs heavily on Shiro. He writes to journal Allura in order to go on her rescue mission with a clear head.

~~Date: The day I fucked up~~

Dear Allura,

Why?

Why?! ~~God Damnit!~~

Why are you always playing the ~~fucking~~ hero?! We are supposed to be a ~~fucking~~ team! You and I… we’re the leaders. I mean ~~for fuck’s sake~~ I was melding the doors shut! I ~~fucking~~ had it! I could have done it in time! We could have BOTH made it to the pod! ~~FUCK! FUCKING FUCK!~~

You tossed me like a ~~fucking~~ hacky sack! And I'm not going to lie it’s awesome that you can do that and just run down doors and shit but you just took me out of the equation! Why, Allura? Yes, your strong. Yes, you can handle yourself. But you didn’t…you didn’t let me help. You…threw me in that pod and made me watch them grab you and take you away from me.

You made me come back to the castle without you. I had to tell Coran that I lost you! That I let you get captured. You sacrificed yourself for me. Me?! Why?

We’re supposed to be a team. We’re supposed to lead Voltron TOGETHER. So why did you do that? Did you think I couldn’t handle being Zarkon’s prisoner again?

I could have handled it! Especially if it meant you would be safe. They experiment on their prisoners, Allura! I already survived it! Have you?! NO! So why in the stars would you put yourself through that? You should have gotten in the pod while I was melding the doors. **You** should have come back to the castle. Not me.

Why’d you sacrifice yourself for me, baby… 

Yeah, I just fuckin’ said that. IDC anymore.

I’m getting you back as soon as I’m done with this. I’m getting you back and I’m going to lecture you 10 ways to Sunday about how you are never allowed to do this again. About how you and I are in this TOGETHER. About how Voltron is lost without you. ~~The world~~ The universe is fucked without you. About how I’m sick of you playing hero. About how we’ll plan our missions better from now on. We’ll ALWAYS return from them together. None of this sacrifice shit. Never again.

I’m coming for you. Be ready.

Yours,

Shiro

P.S. I should have kissed you the other day. I should have told you what you mean to me. When I get you back we’re going to yell at each other because you pissed me off and what I’m going to say will piss you off too, but I’ll make sure we make up. You’ll know where I stand. Where I want to stand. And hopefully you’ll want me there, beside you.


	5. Entry 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allura misses her father, her planet, and her people. Sometimes the loss is just so overwhelming. Shiro hates seeing her this way because what can he really do? He can hold her close and tell her she's loved. He hopes it's enough.

Date: IDK

Dear Allura,

Sometimes I can be so ~~fucking~~ blind. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much you were hurting. I’m such an asshole.

It’s been two weeks since your dad’s A.I. was infected. Two weeks since you had to erase his memories, and his being. He was your biggest comfort. I was so caught up with what happened with Sendak and the castle attacking all of us that I didn’t even stop to think of how everything with your father’s A.I. was effecting you.

You seemed strong and calm after you erased it and I was sure you were ok. Then, you ~~very stupidly~~ sacrificed yourself for me and I pretty much put your dad out of my mind. I only wanted to get you back. That was all the mattered.

Now, you’re back…as I knew you would be.

There wasn’t much time for a heart felt reunion. I’m sorry for that but we both know that our main focus should be on this war. And it is…for the most part. When we finally made it back to the castle Coran worried over you ~~the way I wanted to.~~ We all went to bed exhausted but thankful that we made it out of there in on piece.

I couldn’t sleep that night, as usual. So, I patrolled the halls and checked on the security systems. Everything seemed fine until I walked past your room.

I’ve never really known what to do when a woman cried. But when I saw you on the floor with your face in your hands I was overwhelmed with sadness. I hate to see you that way, Allura. Like ~~a fucking~~ an idiot I thought your tears were from your recent experience with the Galra. I thought they hurt you and I thought you had kept that from us. From me.

Suddenly, I was angry. Not at you. But with Zarkon. That bastard must have hurt you and you were trying to be…IDK… strong? Or princess like by keeping the experience to yourself? But, you can’t do that you have to tell us about these things, Allura. Keeping this sort of thing to yourself can only harm you in the end.

I felt so angry because I let him get to you. It was my fault. I’m the reason why you were crying in the middle of the night.

All I could think to do was give you comfort. I ~~wanted~~ needed you to share the burden. I needed you to know I’m here for you. So, I scooped you up and placed you onto my lap as I sat on your huge bed. Your arms wrapped around me and you buried you head in the nook of my neck. I felt every shudder that came with each sob and each tear. I could do nothing but hold you.

I think I tried to tell you that you were safe. That I had you and everything was going to be okay. IDK if you heard me but I felt you tightened your hold on me so, i hugged you close. 

God, Allura, you were so sad. Was holding you enough?

When your tears stopped and the only sounds you made were sniffles I tried to pull away but you held strong and wouldn’t budge. I wasn’t really in the mood to let go either so, I just ran my natural hand through your hair while my metal hand rested on your leg. Holding you… was what I’ve wanted since I met you. I wish I got the chance under better circumstances but none the less I was glad to be there for you. You trusted me enough to let me be so close, I cant tell you how much that means to me. 

While I held you you told me about how you missed your father. How you hated that you would never see him again. How that made you feel selfish. That you felt so lonely. Especially on nights like this. i should have known.

I felt so stupid. All this sadness was about your heart. Your family. Your planet. Your loss. Not the Galra.

It all made sense.

I could never understand the magnitude of what you’re going through, I know that. But I am so sorry for your loss. All I could tell you was that I hate that this all happened to you. That I wish you could be on Altea living the life of a princess, surrounded by juniberries, your family, and your people. I told you that I know we aren’t Alteans but I know that we consider you family. I told you that **everyone** in this castle loves you. That we would always be there for you. I can only hope it was enough.

After a short while I noticed you fell asleep. Only then did I have the courage to show you affection. I know it was only a kiss on your forehead but…you know, there was a lot of love in it. ~~God, who the fuck am I? I’ve become a fucking love struck boy. But you’re worth it.~~ You mean the stars to me. I hope you know that. Alright, I should get some sleep too. Goodnight.

Love,

Shiro

P.S. I didn’t have the heart to lecture you ten ways to Sunday once I got you back. I didn’t have the balls to tell you that I love you. There is never a good time to just say it. We’re at war. But, I hope that I managed to bring you some comfort tonight. I’m sorry you have to endure this but if anyone can, it’s you. I’ll help you any way I can.


	6. Entry 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay! I hope you enjoy!!

Date: :P

Dear Allura,

What were you like as a child? Did you like being a princess? You do it well, being a princess. You keep your head held up high with the confidence of royalty. Did you realize that you were good at it when you were younger? Would it be odd to ask you these questions? Would it be odd to tell about my childhood? About how I realized I was a good soldier, a good leader, a good... protector? ~~And when I realized I was an even bigger fuck up?~~

When I was younger I would go to a field near my family home. I was an only child, so I would sit under my favorite tree and dream of my future while I stared up at the leaves. My dreams were full of adventures out in space. They were fantastical. Or so I was told. A super hero in space, saving the world? Saving the universe?

I was told it wasn't something I could actually do, so as I grew the dream became more realistic. I dreamt of being the top of my class and accomplished it. I dreamt of getting accepted into the Garrison and accomplished it. I dreamt of being the Garrison's best pilot and accomplished that too. When rumors of the Kerberos mission started I didn't need to dream of going. That mission was as good as mine.

You see, I realized that I was really good at fighting in the Garrison. All of my combat training made sense. The movements, the thought behind them, and their results... it all just clicked. The same was true in my flight courses. I felt so comfortable, so in control, while in the air. I trusted myself. I trusted my body. I trusted my mind. 

I was definitely a bit cocky as a result. I was so sure of myself. So sure of my ability. When my assignment was finally given to me I wasn't surprised. I was proud. I was the best for the job. This was my chance to accomplish my childhood dream of going on a space adventure. And, I was going to be written into our history books for making my dreams come true. I was going to be a part of something amazing and I couldn't have been more proud. Side Note: I just reread what I just wrote and I honestly don’t know if you would have liked me back then, Allura. I've been told I came off a little big headed but I'd like to think I would have grown on you.

During my preparation and on the day we all left I was sure nothing would go wrong. I would get us to Kerberos. The holts would do their thing and I would get us back. I... I had no ~~fucking~~ clue. No clue what the ~~world~~ universe was going through. I had no idea that the universe needed a defender. I had no idea what was outside of my own planet. I mean, I knew what I was taught. But, I never expected the Galra. I never expected my _training_ , my _education_ , my _body_ , my _words_ to fail me. But, they did.

None of that helped me keep the Holts safe. It didn't keep us from being abducted. It didn’t help me get everyone back home to Earth... I couldn’t do a damn thing to stop them, Allura. 

My childhood dream turned into my worst nightmare. And it only got worse. 

Eventually we were all separated and _again_ I could do nothing to stop it. My training was meant to provide protection but I was forced to use it to harm other living beings in the Galra arenas. My hands have been drenched in blood. _Innocent blood!_

I became the champion.

But, I never wanted that. I wanted adventure. I wanted to explore. To discover. To be a part of something wondrous. I never wanted to kill innocents, but that's what I did.

The Galra made me feel like a monster. Like a... murderer. A _foul_ human being. But, then I found you, my team, the Black lion... and _myself_.

The Galra took from me. But you... _you_ gave me _me._

I could never thank you enough for that.

Love,

Shiro

P.S. I think I saw you checking me out today in the training room. Were my eyes playing tricks on me or was it real? I gotta figure out a way to test this... I'm on to you, Allura. 


	7. Entry 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro dreams of Black Lion as a little kitten! Some fluffy kitten things :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Pentapoda's Shiro and Kitten drawings on Tumblr!

Date: who cares :p

Dear Allura,

I had the strangest dream last night.

I was about to walking into my room when the mice, all of them, came running out in a scare. Don’t ask me how I know they were scared. It’s a fuckin dream I just knew, you know?

So, the mice ran out and down the hall. I watched them run away in confusion because why would they be afraid of my room. I thought maybe they accidentally got locked in? Maybe that was what made them so eager to get out?

And I’m not ashamed to admit that my feelings were a little bit hurt that they didn’t greet me happily like they usually do. Why the fuck do I write this shit down? I’m soooo fucked. (-____-)

Any way, I was watching them run away when I felt something crash into my legs. I looked down and saw a black kitten shaking it’s head.

At first I thought: oh yeah, a cat would scare them.

My second thought was: what the fuck is a kitten doing in my room?

Then, I picked it up. The cat had a glowing blue nose. It’s eyes glowed blue too. But when I looked into it’s eyes I heard the kitten purr my name. 

I thought I finally lost my fuckin mind! It talked and atm I had no idea I was dreaming. So, naturally, I thought I went fucking crazy.

Do Alteans go crazy? I gotta ask the irl you later.

I immediately accepted that I went crazy because I found myself talking back to the kitten. And in doing so I realized that the kitten was Black. As in BLACK, THE BLACK LION. She was telling me about how happy she was to see me, that she was just playing with the mice, and that she could change her form.

I believed everything she said, except for the just playing with the mice part because I heard her little tummy growling. 

Suddenly the dream changed and Black and I were in my bed. I’m rubbing her belly and she’s purring happily. We aren’t talking we’re just sort of falling asleep. The sound of her purring was soothing that I stopped petting her and shut my eyes. Then she stretched and her claws scratched me. 

The feeling of being scratched must have woke me up because when I opened my eyes the kitten was gone and there were no scratches.

It was a nice dream. It was nice to not wake up in a cold sweat. 

I think you would have liked seeing Black that way. She was so small, but she was still a total bad ass. I wonder if you would let me show you what she looked like. We could go to the training deck and use the equipment the team uses to work on forming Voltron. Would irl you like that? I know... I should just ask you irl, I know.

Love,

Shiro

P.S. I asked you and you said you wanted to see. I showed you and I got the “Awwww” I was hoping for. We sat around and talked about the dream and I realized that I’m SO, SO, SO FUCKED. One of these days I’m just going to blurt out that I love you and I don’t even want to think about how you would respond.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Shiro sooo much and I'm so glad I'm not the only one who wants to learn more about him! Shallura vibes are what my heart is made of! 
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> Shiro is such a complex character. I'm going to do my best to portray him accurately. Please know it will never be my intention to offend anyone with these entries.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this! Please let me know what you think in the comments! Comments make me sooo happy! <3


End file.
